There’s that old cliché that if you love someone you have to let them go. Relationship breakups are never easy to face. It hurts and hurts to see someone we love leave by choice. But time and distance are the only known remedies to heal a broken heart.
Having the patience to wait and keep away, however, can be a challenge when someone’s profile is just a few clicks away. Who never fell into the temptation to give that little stalkeadinha? It’s really hard to resist, but experts in finding a cure for post-breakup sadness recommend that you don’t. And they say more: if you need to, block.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to making this decision, but to help you put your finger on the block without mercy and without guilt, here are some tips:
1. Snooping won’t change anything
Okay, no breakup happens completely smoothly, so it’s okay to have a little anger or rancidity, but looking at other people’s social media to see if that person has already screwed up in life will only increase your discomfort. Blocking it and getting it out of the way will help you preserve yourself and not be angry or sad.
“Social networks do our worst,” says Heloísa Capelas, a specialist in self-knowledge at the Hoffman Center in Brazil. “They increase our ability to relate, but, on the other hand, in unresolved and uneasy relationships, they provoke jealousy, dispute and competition and are used to control the other”, she adds.
No matter the network: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, even LinkedIn. If you’re done, run away from all your ex’s profiles. You’re not going to change what happened by stalking your ex or waiting for him to come online.
2. You’re not being childish
“Cut the person completely”, advises Adriana Nunan, author of the book “Love Relationships in the Digital Era” and a doctor in clinical psychology. “If the goal was to end the relationship, why keep in touch? We’re afraid of judgment, but blocking is not a childish attitude, it’s an attitude of self-preservation”, she adds. It saw?
Looking at social media and posts from those who broke up with you can prolong your suffering and also your bond with that person. “It’s not healthy,” says Nunes.
For Capelas, it takes courage to say no to that peek at the profile of the former consecrated man. “When you don’t put an end to it, the relationship lengthens,” she says.
“If it wasn’t toxic, it ends up staying. We don’t have to suffer because of a relationship, neither when it’s in it nor when it ends”, he says.
Blocking can be an act of kindness to yourself — or even to the other. “If I don’t want the other one anymore, why am I going to let him see me happy without him? This will only hurt, why do I?”, asks Capelas.
“Even if you’re the one who broke up, I’d say it’s ethical to disappear from your ex’s life,” he says.
And if you get blocked, don’t take it the wrong way. “For those who ended the relationship, the end of the relationship is not a surprise, but for the ‘broken’, there was no warning. Being caught by surprise hurts a lot”, recalls Nunes.
The block can indicate anger, yes, but also sadness or an attempt by the other to get back up, so be understanding, even if the decision to end was not an easy one to make.
And if your ex stopped you from contacting and viewing posts, respect it. On social media — and in life — common sense matters.
3. Instagram is a showcase
When you meet someone new, what’s the first thing you do? Give that little peek at Instagram, right? Whoever is back in the market needs to sell their fish.
“You post what you want to be, not what you really are. It gives the impression that your life is great and that the line has moved on”, says Nunes. And then whoever is on the other side feels like crap, right?
As much as we know that the image on social media is all constructed, that it is a curation of the best moments of our lives, the neighbor’s grass always looks greener. And if it’s from someone who hurt you, then it looks like it even blooms.
To avoid further (mental) inconvenience, remember: nothing on Instagram is 100% real. And block if necessary.
4. No need to block everyone
If you became friends with friends or became very close to family, you don’t have to go out and block general. “Ask the person not to tell you things about the ex so that it is possible to maintain the friendship”, advises Nunes.
Also, control yourself so you don’t keep looking for the face of someone who doesn’t want to see you on someone else’s profile anymore.
5. May be temporary
Unless you’ve been through an abusive relationship or domestic violence, the lockdown doesn’t have to be forever. On average, people can take up to a year to get over a relationship that ended, according to Nunes, so be patient.
For Capelas, there is a magic number to keep the disappearance, which is three months. “In that time you reorganize yourself, and new habits are created”, he says.
“There are people who are nice and it’s a shame to lose in our lives, so if the person didn’t do anything serious and the breakup was just an incompatibility, we can talk again”, says Capelas. “You don’t have to be best friends, but you can keep in touch.”
After a while away, it becomes easier to be able to talk again in a friendly way and, who knows, establish rules for a healthy coexistence — after all, one day you already loved that person.
Bonus: get therapy
Whether you’re the “broken” or “terminator”, investigate the reasons that led to the end of the relationship, both to avoid falling into a new trap and to get to know yourself better and overcome the breakup, which can be seen as a kind of grief, and deserves attention.
Consulting an expert can help us better understand the importance we give to social networks, the mistakes we make online and offline when we interact and help us not to make the same mistakes again.
Instead of looking at the screen, how about looking inside?